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JOKES
On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
So, how do ya get a one armed Stoner out of a tree?
Ya pass him a Joint !!
Lock and Key!
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
Teacher and Student
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vince (sadly): You don't know my father.
A young blonde girl goes to
the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his
stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...' The girl replies,
'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test?
Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.
10.
Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of
little blue guys
in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his
cat. What does
he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he
catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines.
Who is that
skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is
always giving her
burger to her friend. One side question, what the
hell are Popeye
and Brutus thinking? What is it, her
personality? NOT!
8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the
look, but he is
suspicious.
7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid
monkey #1. "BY THE POWER
OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for
Skeletor. Alone in
his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of
that he even
injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say
"Animal Abuse"?
6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic
baskets. They go back
to the cave and trip. Another side? -- Are they
gay? I mean, take
a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong
with that...
4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't
someone slip
him an upper every year or two. The only time I
ever saw him
happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
Sort of makes you
wonder.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny
involvement but they
are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc
is writing
some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys
partaking are
afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean.
He is so wired
he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows
his beak off
all the time. Some symptoms might be from
"daffiness" but Haldol
wouldn't work for him.
1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his
hair, his bad goatee,
the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is
nothing until
you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who
averages 9.3 dog treats
consumed per episode smokes pot, no if, ands, or,
buts about it.
And look at the way him and his friends painted
that van! Pretty
rad design dude.
Little Boy Makes His
Grandmother Coffee
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was
so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict.
The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
A True Blonde Joke
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to
boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she
just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It
wouldn't
get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a
nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working
order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard.
(wait for it........)
..................(REMEMBER, this is TRUE)................
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.
The Dog And His Odd Habits
Two guys were walking down the street one day. They see a dog on
the side of the road licking his privates. The first guy says,
"Man, I wish I could do that".
The second guy says, "You could, but the dog would surely bite
you".